the dogcrime report

CAMBRIDGE, MASS – On Friday, November 4 at MIT, John Kerry said that science "facts are ignored and obscured and distorted" by right-wing ideologues and the Bush administration, citing specific policy examples in the area of stem cell, water, air, and earth research. Republican National Committee spokesperson Tracey Schmitt responded by saying Kerry’s "newfound interest in science is a derivative of his longing to travel back in time…" Senator Kerry had joked that it would be nice to have "a time machine to have the election today rather than last year."

What Schmitt failed to realize is that Kerry was setting the Republicans up in a classic "Presidential Ratings - Time Machine" snare. Because, by order of the little-known Nostradamus Turkey-Ruse, tricking a party member of the current U.S. administration to publicly utter both the words "time machine" and "derivative" in a single sentence will cause the head of the sitting president to be transported back in time and attach itself to the body of a First Thanksgiving turkey. However, only the brain of the fowl will be inserted into the current president’s head, leaving the face alone.*

In fact, from the point of view of the 1621 Plymouth, Massachusetts feast, the event has already occured, as a look in any history book will now reveal. This is the way the feast is described in a first-hand account by a leader of the colony, Edward Winslow, as it appears in section 6 of the letters entitled Mourt’s Relation:

Our harvest being gotten in, our governor sent four men on fowling, that so we might after have a special manner rejoice together after we had gathered the fruit of our labors; they four in one day killed as much fowl, as with a little help beside, served the company almost a week, at which time amongst other recreations, we exercised our arms, many of the Indians coming amongst us, and among the rest their greatest King Massasoit, with some ninety men, whom for three days we entertained and feasted, and they went out and killed five deer, and one magically strange large fowl whose face mightily resembled that of a most awful human being, which they brought to the plantation and bestowed on our governor, and upon the captain, and others. And although it be not always so plentiful as it was at this time with us, yet by the goodness of God (except for the bird with the repulsively odde head), we are so far from want that we often wish you partakers of our plenty. I have drawn the horrible winged beast upon which we feasted, which, strangely enough, contained only white meat, most juicy but causing odd dreams.

The drawing:

* Why did Nostradamus want the brainless turkey heads for himself? He needed a steady supply of turkey heads from which to make Playtime Party masks, as he relates in his Century I.