What Schmitt failed to realize is that Kerry was setting the Republicans up in a classic "Presidential Ratings - Time Machine" snare. Because, by order of the little-known Nostradamus Turkey-Ruse, tricking a party member of the current U.S. administration to publicly utter both the words "time machine" and "derivative" in a single sentence will cause the head of the sitting president to be transported back in time and attach itself to the body of a First Thanksgiving turkey. However, only the brain of the fowl will be inserted into the current president’s head, leaving the face alone.*

In fact, from the point of view of the 1621 Plymouth, Massachusetts feast, the event has already occured, as a look in any history book will now reveal. This is the way the feast is described in a first-hand account by a leader of the colony, Edward Winslow, as it appears in section 6 of the letters entitled Mourt’s Relation:

Our harvest being gotten in, our governor sent four men on fowling, that so we might after have a special manner rejoice together after we had gathered the fruit of our labors; they four in one day killed as much fowl, as with a little help beside, served the company almost a week, at which time amongst other recreations, we exercised our arms, many of the Indians coming amongst us, and among the rest their greatest King Massasoit, with some ninety men, whom for three days we entertained and feasted, and they went out and killed five deer, and one magically strange large fowl whose face mightily resembled that of a most awful human being, which they brought to the plantation and bestowed on our governor, and upon the captain, and others. And although it be not always so plentiful as it was at this time with us, yet by the goodness of God (except for the bird with the repulsively odde head), we are so far from want that we often wish you partakers of our plenty. I have drawn the horrible winged beast upon which we feasted, which, strangely enough, contained only white meat, most juicy but causing odd dreams.

The drawing:

* Why did Nostradamus want the brainless turkey heads for himself? He needed a steady supply of turkey heads from which to make Playtime Party masks, as he relates in his Century I.

TEHRAN – Last week, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the new president of Iran, declared that Israel is a “disgraceful blot” that should be “wiped off the map.”

"It was all a big joke," he said in a written statement issued today by The Council of Guardians. "I really was talking about an ink blot. It happened like this: I was speaking at my new ‘A World Without Tourism’ conference, and I was using of those neat gel pens, and it stopped working. The companies that make these things send them to me all the time, but they’re crap! Man, I was so mad I wacked it a few times on the wall to get it working, and guess what? – oopsies–Inky-poo all over."

Cooperation Minister Mohammad O’Holahan, speaking on the topic of finding your
inner Lord-of-the-Dance, noticed the blot on Israel and then, according to Mr. Ahmadinejad, “we both started going back and forth with, you know, Muslim humor stuff. He’s does great standup and impression, you should see his Jim Carey - ’schmokin.’ Pretty soon we came up with the ‘wiping Israel off the map’ bit. It really was for the students because they love it when their leaders can, you know, get down."

"Anyway, to Israel," said the President: "lighten up and just chill. Sometimes you really bum me out."

The photo shows a sheepish Mr. Nimoy Ahmadinejad holding up his finger to show ink from the blot.

©2005 dogcrime report